However, I've learned to think of that perspective as something special in and of itself. Most people have an arrogance about them that can be obvious, or cloaked, but rather than arrogance I have an unidentified fear of confidence. I may appear confident, but just as most people do, I am not actually confident. By attending 3 different high schools I learned that in order to feel comfortable, you must appear comfortable to the people around you. People notice when you enter a new building, full of unfamiliar faces, and you don't know where to turn. The reason they notice is because it is written all over your face and body language. Now, some people might think that this is a good thing, but they are wrong! If you look like you are unfamiliar, that does not make it more likely that a stranger will come up to you and offer you a welcoming committee. In fact, it means just the opposite. If you appear unfamiliar, than people will be unfamiliar with you. Rather than thinking "oh I've never seen her before, I guess we've just never met," they will think, "that must be the new girl." The difference between the two being, either they will think that you may have something in common, like you've attended the same school for a while or, on the other hand, because they know you are the new girl, they will assume that you are invading their school with more unfamiliarities. Now, I don't mean to summarize EVERYONE, but of course this is high school I'm speaking of and whether kids intend to do it or not, most of them like to stick with what they know or think they know.
I considered this a quiet milestone in my life, you know, understanding the need to be familiar or appear familiar. I actually became quite good at it, until I decided that the high school I graduated from was so familiar with one another (60 students per grade) that the only way to be welcome was to not be. I bonded with the people who were unwelcome, unfamiliar, and unimpressive to the other students. That was how I managed my last two years of high school, by sticking out like a cartoon character surrounded by real 3D people. It was like I was Roger Rabbit outside of Toon Town.
Normally, people would be uncomfortable with that. All of the people that I hung out with outside of school those last two years were friendships that remained from public school or boarding school. Because I was alone from 7:30am to 3pm without any friendly faces, some days I was destitute and isolated. My entire Junior year I would leave school whenever I didn't have class. Even when I wasn't supposed to I managed to get away with it. I wouldn't go out on a fantastic voyage to experience something thrilling and against parental control. I just wanted to be free. There were days when I felt as though the maroon and off-white walls were blandly seeping into my soul and becoming me. I became bland, and I blended in with everything else so much so that I could lose myself if I forgot to try not to.
There was one place at that dreaded school where I could break out without leaving the confinement of the campus. Interestingly enough, it was the guidance counselors office. I never went there for a counseling session, but I would go there with other students just to sit among judgment free people. The counselor allowed for me to call her by her first name, Jo, which was extremely rare in the high schools I attended. Jo and I created a bond that we still connect with every so often. Because of our bond I was able to see exactly what it is she does for a job as a school psychologist. She encouraged me to do service, be honest, and help others. Parents often discipline children by saying, "I'm not angry, I'm just disappointed." Jo would award my actions through the absence of praise simply by treating me as her equal, and allowed for me to trade roles with her by being her teacher once in a while. In result of her strong encouragement and persuasion, I went on two service trips with her and my school. One was through Habitat for Humanity in West Virginia, and the other was youth work in Beuis, Romania. Both experiences lead me to the path of missionary work, of which I will be doing upon graduation with my Masters of Social Work degree.
Thanks to Jo, and other similar experiences and people along the way, I was able to decide on a major before I even decided on a college. After one stepping stone led to another, and after changing schools twice in college I have ended up at New York University, and I feel as if all of the different roads that lead me to social work are the same roads that led me here. Better late than never.
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