20. Save a life.

Have you ever wondered why it is that some people second guess themselves constantly in order to please others around them? I wonder why it is that a person would want to please others rather than themselves, and why that person would be unhappy when failing to please others and succeeding at pleasing the self. I have always struggled to feel contentment when completing a task that makes me feel better, makes me happier. It's guilt, really. Unless the thing that makes me happy is also making another person happy, than I am in the dark. I've spent my entire life crawling on my hands and knees, sprawling out on the floor to feel my surroundings, searching for a light switch, or a candle. In my darkest days, the shadows would form figures, horror stories, and demons would follow me around. It was like I was blind in a room where the walls were covered in thorns. I had pricks in my hands, and to protect myself I cowered in the fetal position, hugging my knees in the center of the room. I slept like that for years.

It wasn't until a hand reached out to me to pick me up and show me light that I realized the time I had wasted, the life I had wasted in the dark. I left the dangerous and dark room, one step at a time, holding hands with my guide. Though I had seen the light, there was still a mountain to climb before I could touch it, and that mountain took years. As my steps produced wider gaps, my hand slipped from my guide, little by little. First a finger let go, then two, then three, until I was walking like a child holding the pointer finger of my confidant, sucking my thumb, and clutching my favorite stuffed animal as if letting go would be the end of me. My steps continued to grow, until I was leaping, and skipping up the mountain to the light. Even on the hottest days and the steepest climbs, I sought radiance and was given strength in my struggle. I had hope for the future. I was surrounded by rubble, and yearned to see the patch of grass at the mountain's peak. When I reached the light, I looked back at my journey, at my struggle for gratification and fulfillment. I prayed. And I lived on. I have not walked on a plateau since then, but the mountains have been smaller. Although at any moment, if I chose to slide down from where I stand and start over, I could.  But now I keep the light closer, and I understand why it is that there are some people who have an incessant need to please others. I think that might be what grace is.

The life I saved was my own. I survived a struggle, a climb. Everyone has to. I think in order to save other peoples lives, saving my own would be the first mountain. I've seen the peak, and I know what's up there. I know it's beautiful. Now it's my turn to be the guide, and show people how to navigate their path, so they can witness the beauty too.

Thank you to my many guides along the way.

Listen to: Change Your Mind by Sister Hazel